I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
