i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
