I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
