Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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