I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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