The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
