I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
