He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
