If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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