1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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