He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
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I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
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Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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