Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
