Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
