boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Randomize
