Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
