Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
it's like iHOP with fire
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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