hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
im six kinds of drunk right now
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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