Will you blow on my dice?
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You may now shotgun with the bride
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
