made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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