Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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