I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
