It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
