shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
