Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
