Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
