Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
