If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
