Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
