The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I don't deserve a penis
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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