Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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