It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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