Swine flu. Run for my life!
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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