I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
