Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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