The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
soo... how was my night?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
