To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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