Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
