the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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