I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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