OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
