Your dad touched me again.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
