well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
