I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
