Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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