the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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