Pappa wants mamma naked
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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