just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
