I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
