Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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