If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
