so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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