Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
