Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
