Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You pole danced in your parka.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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