She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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