I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She even gives head with a lisp.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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