I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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