i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
