I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
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I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
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I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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