Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
